Success

"Missing" by Flyleaf

So, I'm finished with my full time teaching at TPH and am sort of coasting till the end of the school year. I have been working almost exclusively with one student throughout the day, but it doesn't require any preparation on my part. It sounds fantastic, but, I have so much work due for Calvin that I have no idea how I'm going to get it done.

I find myself so exhausted after the school day that when I get home, working on homework sounds like the least appealing thing to do. When I do have energy, I don't want to be sitting at my desk, I want to be outside going for a walk , or just relaxing. In the back of my mind, I know I have a million things to get done, and I should put all of my effort into them, but I just don't want to. In all reality I do have time to get done the things that I need to, but there's something standing in the way. And that thing that seems to be standing in the way of my success is me. I've been thinking about this strange juxtaposition lately.

I want to succeed, I think everyone does, but yet sometimes we as people can be so detrimental to ourselves. Why is this? We are our own worst enemy when it comes to success. I could be healthier, if I went for a run instead of watching TV. I could have better grades, if I spent more time in studying. I could have these assignments already finished, if I had planned better. I could blame these problems on other things, but when it comes down to it, the main problem in all of these cases is me. It can even be small things, like getting to school on time in the morning... I've been getting up later and later. It used to be promptly at 5:40, and now it's 6... 6:15...6:30... then I feel embarassed when I get to school late. But yet, i don't change my ways, I savor that extra half an hour in bed. Do I not want to succeed?

Why do I seem to find ways to make myself fail?

Fights

"Airplanes" by B.o.B and Hayley Williams (click it, it's a link to the song)

This morning I had an awesome conference with my Professor after an observation of a lesson. In the middle of the meeting one of the other teachers at TPH came up and said "Are you her supervisor? I just want you to know, she's amazing" and just starting telling my Professor about the work I had been doing in the school and how much of a blessing I was. As you can imagine, after that I was feeling pretty good. The rest of the day went pretty well but I left school pretty tired. Coming home knowing that there was a long night of homework ahead, I was a little on edge. I went home for about 2 minutes to change and got into the stupidest fight with one of my friends and it really destroyed my good mood. I hate that one stupid fight can ruin my mood entirely.

On a different note, I think it's time for me to mend some bridges. I'm hoping my pride will step down for long enough to allow me to do so.

Changes

* EDIT * I'm going to try and put a song in each post I put up. The song for this post is:

"Give Until There's Nothing Left" by Relient K

Because of all the schoolwork I need to get done, I decided to take a break from Grand Rapids and visit a friend of mine that lives in Big Rapids. She graduated from college last year and is now an Art teacher here. Visiting her makes me really excited to live on my own and be completely independent; to have my own place, to decorate how I want to, to have my own space... I'm excited for that! But... I just don't know where I want to/where I need to go. Stay around Grand Rapids? Go where I know I'll have a job? Take a risk, and go somewhere completely new? Go where my heart wants to go?

I have been updating my resume and visiting Career Development to help me prepare a cover letter, but it's almost like I don't want to start applying because that makes this all real. This point in my life which I have seen my brother go through, and my sister, is now here for me and that just scares the crap out of me.

Through all these changes I just wish there was a constant. I feel like everything is about to change, what is going to keep me stable and stay constant through the changes?

Memories

It's been over a year since I was in Spain and lately the memories keep flooding my mind. About this time last year I had come back from Spring Break in London and Paris with my parents and sister and was beginning the end of the school year. After seeing my parents and having them visit the town I had been living in, I remember being so excited to go home. For the last couple weeks of the semester it was almost all I could think about. But when the time came to leave and we were packing the bus to go home, I can distinctly remember the feeling that exploded in my heart. My family, my town, everything that had been my everyday life was going to be over. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to leave Denia. It was the strangest conflicting of feelings; I've never been so torn. I miss Denia. I miss being able to walk at night. I did that so frequently. I would just walk around the town, to the sea, and sit by the harbor at night. I remember feeling completely at peace. I have that so rarely lately. I think it's the nature I need to feel like that... back to the point. I'm glad that I use my Spanish, I speak everyday with a few girls in my class. It's really helped them to come out of their shells and has helped me to practice.

Anyways... I will be starting a new blog for my teaching and will post a link... here it is: msdevos.blogspot.com